Maybe this week I'll figure out my gender
What is a gender but a miserable pile of secrets? I’m still working it out. So far I think I’ve located 2 genders where there should be 1. I guess I got a 2 for 1 deal somewhere down the line?
There’s so much importance placed on your gender in society that me not knowing mine is a genuine annoyance for me– I don’t know where I fit. I’ve just been going forward letting people assume that my previous gender is correct, but I think something’s changed somewhere along the way.
I don’t feel like a man, my gender feels performative at best. I still feel an attachment to masculine pronouns and the like, but I can’t tell if that’s just out of familiarity. So far, I’ve figured out that I have a fucked relationship with femininity-- likely due to being pressured to “pass” as a teenager. I couldn’t express my gender the way I wanted as I had to pass to appear valid to teachers, parents, partners etc.
This is not in any way blaming those people, well, except for that teacher who told me to be more "masculine”/”less gay” to be bullied less. I took those instructions to heart, shutting away the queer little part of me that liked dresses and pink. It took several years to find him again, only for him to have changed significantly during this time.
Change is natural, part of being human. However, I can’t not begrudge the fact that I had my gender figured out, once. Then I started testosterone injections. Currently it feels like the further I masculinise my body, the more feminine I become. Am I destined to be a femboy? Somehow, that label doesn’t fit right. I want to be a girl in a boy way. I want to be outwardly feminine but still have people respect the fact that I am masculine at heart.
I had my sexuality figured out once, too. Then I started testosterone (gel) and suddenly I became comfortable with the idea of seeing myself with a woman. Both fronts I’m unsure on. I just default to bisexual because that’s something I know, but I wonder what I truly am sometimes.
The idea of not knowing my true self keeps me up at night sometimes, but I think discovery is a part of the human experience, much to my chagrin.